dear joshua (the final post of year three)

"im happiest when im doing something that i know is good"

hi. 

i don't know if you're reading anymore, since you've erased all other links to me, but perhaps you've come here for some solace and peace. which you could not be blamed for. to be honest, i don't think it would be fair of me to leave this year without writing to you. you made up most of this year, and the year before that, and to completely sideline the thought of you would be a false testament to my feelings for you.

another false testament would be to continue with the narrative that i had no complaints when it came to our relationship; i have tons. there are many reasons why we stopped working and why we wouldn't have worked in the long run. i'm sure you've been realising and will eventually come to wholeheartedly agree with me on this. these many reasons could've led to me shouting in the street as i have done on a prior occasion, but they also could've led to years of resentment and unhappiness. you will see this one day. 

naturally, we had many happy memories made together, which i will not forget quickly. you made two birthdays delightful and two christmas's too. i loved dancing with you, singing with you, gaming, movie watching, walking, learning, growing, and so many other things. you truly genuinely are a wonderful and kind person who deserves to be loved entirely. i'm sorry i could not give that to you, but somebody excellent one day will. 

thank you for letting me into your life and your family for a while, especially when i didn't feel that i fit into my own. thank you for supporting me in some ways, thank you for humbling me in others. i will always think of you when i hear Being Funny In A Foreign Language. thank you for letting me be soft and vulnerable and sweet- i promise i will not harden and grow cold, i will always hold the thought of you close when i am my soft self.

there's lots more that i would like to say to you, but it's nothing you haven't heard. i'll likely write again at some point in the future, as i'm sure you will read, but for now my settled mind seeks to be maintained, and running over old ground doesn't seem prudent when trying to move on.

i hope i supported you as much as i could've, i certainly tried my best to do so. i'm sorry for when i failed you, i'm sorry when i wasn't there for you, i'm sorry for any ways in which i wronged you. i promise, when it came to you, my intentions were always pure. i just wasn't always sure about us, and i think that was the crux of it.

i loved you very much though, and i will always be grateful that i spent my university days beside a man with a good heart and, more importantly, excellent hair.

i wish you the merriest christmas and a very happy new year.

daisy.